Vrindaban My plan now is

November 27th, 2000

Vrindaban

My plan now is to continue writing my book on the Bhagavatam, but I am often distracted, as it seems that everyday there is someone new that comes to meet me.

Today I got the following surprise note from one disciple of H.H. Narayan Maharaja at the Krishna-Balaram Mandir:

?Narayan Maharaja requests you to visit him before he leaves. Visits would be possible on the 27th or 28th. Please phone his assistant Madhava Maharaja (formerly Naveen Krishna).?

Some of my Godbrothers seem upset with Maharaja in terms of his dealings with ISKCON, especially that he is reinitiating the disciples of other gurus. There is certainly credibility to some of their concerns. Others tend to remember the friendship and relationship we had with him, and the kindness he shared with us. I have thought about this carefully over the years and decided that I should visit him occasionally, especially if it might help quell the controversy if some of the devotees who had close relationships with him, but stopped coming, occasionally visited him.

I called Madhava Maharaja, Maharaja’s secretary. He told me that it is Maharaja?s last day in Mathura and there will be many people coming so he wasn?t sure if he could see me privately. I told him I would just come to offer my respects and see what happened.

Vrindaban Went to visit Bhaktividya

November 26th, 2000

Vrindaban

Went to visit Bhaktividya Purna Maharaja to consult him about my personal puja for Giriraja. Maharaja has been staying in Vrindaban for the last several months. It was a very informative and pleasant visit and I very much enjoyed Maharaja’s association.

From Jaiva Dharma, on the position of the arca-vigraha (installed deities):

“The Lord’s transcendental form of eternity, knowledge, and bliss is first revealed in the pure consciousness of the jiva and then reflected in the mind. The external form of the Deity is fashioned according to this transcendental form revealed in the mind, and by the power of bhakti-yoga, the sac-cid-ananda form of the Lord then manifests in the Deity. When the devotee takes darsana of the Deity, that Deity unites with the transcendental form of the Lord which the devotee sees in his heart.”

I wonder if my journals give the misimpression that my world is just pure excitement without struggle. I fear that, especially since my general psychology is on the optimistic side and the journal is the world through my eyes. To some extent, I do tend to look for the positive in life. But I think the tone of the journals also reflect the fact that they have been started at a particular time in my life?a time of rest and introspection after a very tough stretch of five years where so many struggles were thrown my way.

I think the journals also reflect the fact that Vrindaban is a very dynamic place and Vrindaban in Kartik is even more intense?externally as well as internally. I have taken many people to Vrindaban for the first time for pilgrimage and most will tell you that their two weeks in dhama seemed like a lifetime of experiences.

Another factor in the tone of the journal is that many senior Vaishnavas from all over India, and the world, congregate in Vrindaban in Kartik, and I do have the fortune of the acquaintance of many of them. That certainly makes life dynamic. There is also a connection between one’s internal world and one’s external world. If one focuses for some time on his internal purification then certainly the world around him transforms in a unique way to nurture that purification and to teach certain lessons.

One’s vision is not only what happens around him, but also how one sees it. When one enters a period of deep study and then reflects carefully on what he reads, his vision radically changes. That vision naturally has some relevance to other sincere seekers.

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Vrindaban Definition of Isvara (the

Vrindaban Met in the evening

November 24th, 2000

Vrindaban

Met in the evening with Sacinandana Swami. We discussed our personal spiritual practices. Our conclusion was that although there are certain common factors in everyone’s attempt to perfect his sadhana?selfless service to spiritual master, inoffensive chanting, and the mood of separation, for example?each individual also has an individual practice that will unfold and develop as a response to ones personal sincerity to advance. A good example of a balance between the standard practices of spiritual development and one’s individuality is H.H. Satsvarupa Maharaja who, in addition to his regular preaching services, spends increasing time in seclusion writing, immersed in self-introspection and the cultivation of personal integrity. Another example is H.H. Radhanatha Swami who tries to remain absorbed in the congregational chanting of the holy name, interspersed with intense pilgrimages to holy places in India. H.G. Bhurijan Prabhu has adopted, in addition to his regular sadhana, a comprehensive focus on the Bhagavatam that began from the first verse and is now steadily approaching the Tenth Canto, following in the footsteps of Maharaja Pariksit. Another good example of a serious sadhaka is Sacinandana Swami himself, who has gravitated in his personal practices to prolonged japa meditation, which includes concentrated personal retreats to deepen his attraction for the holy name.

Sacinandana Swami also stressed that we should chant in the mood of separation because it is the mood that is most consistent with our present position?separation from Krishna. It is also therefore the mood of bhajan that we can adopt most sincerely.

We both appreciated the contribution of Gaura Govinda Swami to our line of personal worship, the emphasis and deep understanding of Caitanya Mahaprabhu. Partha-Sarathi also stressed this to me in my
discussions with him.

I went to visit B.B. Govinda Swami, who has just arrived. When I entered the courtyard of his house, Maharaja, a large heavy set American-born sannyasi, was sitting next to and dwarfing Nitai Baba, a very sweet, old, and humble diminutively-built local babaji, affectionately stroking his back. Govinda Swami has a heart of gold. He has adopted the 82 year-old poverty stricken babaji and helps with his meager rent and his medical needs. Last year he even arranged a fan for Nitai Baba’s simple room to help him survive another scorching Vrindaban summer.

Vrindaban Vraja Sevika, a disciple

November 22nd, 2000

Vrindaban

Vraja Sevika, a disciple of mine from Bulgaria, asked me if I could please visit the ashram where she is staying. She especially wanted me to meet the nice baba, or sadhu, in charge.

In a previous journal about my stay in Vrindaban in August 1999, I wrote something about Vraja Sevika and at least two persons who read it politely questioned me whether writing about her was a breach of confidentiality. I am very careful about maintaining confidentiality in my journals. I explained to them that, at that time, I showed her what I wrote, and that she didn’t mind because she felt that the sphere of my journal is in another world?a world she never crosses.

Vraja Sevika left her pujari service at the Sri Sri Krishna-Balaram Mandir after I left India for some time in 1995, as she found her living situation with another particular lady in the temple ashram intolerable. She wandered around Vraja for a year, learning fluent brajabasa, but became attracted to the mood of worship in other Vrindaban-based Vaishnava lines that encouraged esoteric mediation on Radha-Krishna pastimes. When I returned to India almost a year later, I questioned her as to the validity of what she had been doing. I was not particularly happy with her response and told her so. Even though I didn’t approve of what she was doing, she would still occasionally visit me to offer respects and to seek advice on practical matters.

She had vowed never to leave Vraja, although she did not have a secure visa or a viable means of support or protection. She thus suffered humiliation, malnutrition, physical debilitation, and mental depression. I cannot even describe the trauma of a single, young, and independent Western-born lady living alone in a small Indian town, but she still would not leave. Her plight finally culminated in a very bad marriage resulting in a child who died just 3 months after he was born.

I would repeatedly try to explain to her that Vrindaban was not just a physical place, but more important also a matter of consciousness and that there was little value in residing in Vrindaban without cultivating humility and purifying oneself. She remained fixed, however, on only one principle?she would live and die in Vraja.

Just before I left last summer I got a note from her, shortly after her child died, that she had a radical change in attitude; that she was returning to Bulgaria and was focusing on getting her health back and developing her character. That’s the last I heard from her until she returned recently and ran into Gokula Taruni. She gave Gokula Taruni the phone number of her ashram and asked her to please ask me to call her.

She was staying in a very old ashram that belonged to some saints from the followers of Hit Hari Vamsa, a renowned Vaishnava in many parts of Vrindadan who started the Radha-Vallabha Sampradaya. He became a very controversial figure, however, among the Gaudiyas as he was an errant disciple of Gopal Bhatta Goswami. The ashram was now a two-acre nursery on the parikrama marg off Mathura Rd., dedicated to the preservation of the environment of Vraja

The street was a bit noisy, but going into the ashram was like entering another world. It is preserved as old Vraja jungle with a large variety of beautiful indigenous trees and plants. Vraja Sevika respectfully greeted me and then offered me a seat on a large stone slab propped up on each side by bricks and situated under some old shade trees in front of the ashram building. There was a similar seat parallel about ten feet away and then another seat perpendicular to both of them so that the seats form three sides of a ten foot square?a perfect rustic informal meeting area. Vraja Sevika then excused herself to get the baba that she said was anxious to meet me.

The baba was a fair-skinned sadhu with a slight and dignified bodily frame indicating, at least from his appearance, a person of goodness, a sadhu. He had a long gray beard and was wearing a one-piece rough brownish khadi kurta (shirt) that could almost be mistaken for burlap and hung to his ankles to form a complete dress, with the exception of a thick winter shawl over his shoulder. I stood to greet him and he sat next to me on the bench facing me with folded legs.

The sadhu began to explain his thoughts and we had a very respectful conversation. I would also speak but I generally deferred to him, as I was his guest, he was older than me, nearing seventy, and the fact that he was obviously locally revered, since during our conversation several people came from the outside to touch his feet. He was very fluent in English and illustrated his points mostly with stories. Since he was a Vaishnava there was general agreement in our talk, but he seemed to have some of his own ideas?especially about guru?that I doubted were based on the principles of sastra, especially as he was not in the habit of referencing his statements. He did not say anything, however, that necessitated a strong response and I respected him as a gentleman and a sadhu, and he also offered deference to me.

I often quoted from the Bhagavatam in my discussion with the sadhu and he seemed to appreciate the references that I contributed to our discussion. In the course of our talk he asked where I live and when he discovered that it was near him and that I was giving class every day, he enthusiastically said that he would like to come. I responded to him that he was senior to me, and that if he came he would have to give the class. He insisted on our equality and told the following interesting story about an eagle and a sparrow to illustrate it.

An eagle and a sparrow were somehow friends and, in a spirited competition, decided to fly to the sun to see Surya Narayan, the sun god. Soon, however,the sparrow began to fatigue and his wings fluttered. Finally, in exhaustion, he fell from the sky. As he was falling he watched as the eagle soared and disappeared from sight.

When the sparrow came to earth he gathered all the other animals and told of the glorious vulture, the great bird that soared off to meet Surya Narayan. All the animals became excited and prepared a grand reception for the divinely inspired vulture. Thousands assembled and brought numerous flowers and fruits.

The eagle, although far ahead of the sparrow, enough to be out of sight, was still nowhere near the Sun. He also began to totter and flap his wings desperately to keep equilibrium. It was too late, however, and he began to fall rapidly until?crash!?he landed right in the middle the assembled forest animals. The animals cheered wildly?”Jaya Vulture! Jaya Vulture! Vulture Vulture! Jaya Jaya!”?and garlanded the hapless creature thinking that he had attained saksad-dasrhan, direct vision of the glorious sun-god, Sri Surya Narayan.

The vulture looked around in surprise and disgust. “What’s going on? Why are you glorifying me? I have done nothing of merit,” he said. But the animals replied, “That’s not true, you are the glorious bird who visited the sun god!”

“I did not!”

The sparrow spoke up, “But you soared so far that you were out of sight!”
“I may have been ahead of you,” he quickly retorted, “but I was also far, far away from reaching sun. Therefore I think I am really still no better than you or anyone else!”

Moral: You may be ahead others, but rather than seeing them in relation to yourself it is better to see yourself and others in relation to the final goal, which most likely will be of little variance. Better to judge things from an absolute, rather than relative perspective.

In common parlance, it really makes little difference that you get the ghee lamp first.

I appreciated his point in a certain context. However, a Vaishnava is encouraged to make certain practical distinction among for the purpose of relating properly, avoiding offense, and giving and accepting instruction.

The sadhu had never been introduced to me so I asked his name. He introduced himself as Sevak Saran, who I recognized as a famous Vraja conservationist. I had to rush back to my class, so I excused myself, but we made friends and he begged me to return.

I never even had a chance to inquire from Vraja Sevika about her welfare. Upon leaving I asked her one question in passing. “Did your parents appreciate what you have achieved after seeing you after seven years?”

“No,” she replied, almost rhetorically. “How could they appreciate one in such poor health, destitute and depressed?” I told her she could visit me later if she had any questions, as there was no time to discuss her new realizations now.

I wondered if her radical change in attitude had anything to do with a diminishing faith in spiritual life, since her spiritual life was apparently such a disaster. I hope not. I wondered if she realized that the perhaps her problem was not spirituality, but the way in which she practiced spirituality according to her own whim.

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Govardhana I talked with Partha-Sarathi

November 21st, 2000

Govardhana

I talked with Partha-Sarathi Prabhu this morning about chanting. His recommendation was pray, pray more, and deepen our prayers. Without humility and a consequent yearning for perfection bhakti, true devotion, cannot come to the heart.

Met an old Godbrother friend who confided in me about a unique process of purification that he had just undergone. When I asked if it could be mentioned in my journal, he replied that I could repeat the story as long as his name was not used and his identity was not evident. He explained that it was important that it be kept confidential because if one accrues any prestige for his austerities, the honor one receives becomes the fruit of one’s austerities, and not the desired spiritual attainment.

My friend had just returned from Tibet where he completed the grueling 14-day circumambulation of Mt. Kalaish, the abode of Lord Siva. When he told me this I was surprised and jokingly asked, “Are you aspiring for santa-rasa?” (One of the impetuses for developing ecstatic love in the mood of santa-rasa is to stay in lonely places like the Himalayas.) He seriously replied that Lord Siva is in charge of the false ego. To remove the false ego and to develop the pure ego of the humble servant of the Vaishnavas, one could take the help of Lord Siva. He quoted two or three places in the Bhagavatam where pilgrimage to Mt. Kailash is described. I could not immediately confirm the validity of his pilgrimage in terms of Gaudiya teachings, but I listened respectfully because my friend is a good Vaishnava. I believe he chants a minimum of 64 rounds per day, and I know he still preaches very rigorously, and successfully, for 8 months of the year.

He described to me the traditional circumambulation of Mt. Kailash, how each day one adopts in a progressive manner a different meditation to help one give up bodily identification. He also described how one of the five people in his party almost got lost and if that person didn’t by chance relocate their camp, he could have died of exposure.

He joked to me that he had to undergo this process because he was not fortunate like me, referring to the humbling circumstances I had to tolerate in the last fives years for the sake of Srila Prabhupada’s service. I told him that he was just being kind, since deserved retribution is different from voluntary austerities.

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Govardhana My trip to Vrindaban

November 20th, 2000

Govardhana

My trip to Vrindaban was delayed. Nekram, my driver, called and said that because of the elections in Govardhana today, no cars would be allowed in. I listened outside to the road and there was an unusual silence?no cars, no speakers, complete silence. I told him to come tomorrow. I am not disappointed to be stuck at Govardhana.

Nanuram, our simple hearted brijabasi friend, spontaneously starts a conversation with me in the hall. He was very animated. Usually he just talks, not caring if you understand or not, but this time he called over a translator. Unfortunately, the translator practically only spoke Oriyan, but my curiosity was aroused as to why Nanuram so excited and I thus somehow managed to get the two of them to communicate in broken Hindi. Finally, to my complete surprise, in broken English, the Oriyan devotee informs me, “He said Clinton’s man was losing the election!”

Bhajan, mostly nitai-bhajan, again at 6 PM in Niranjana Swami’s room. Mahamantra and Kesava Bharati also join. Again we are effortlessly drawn into the mood of the last few nights. My thoughts:

I wish my friends and well wishers were here. Devotees need to see their teachers and spiritual authorities relate in Krishna consciousness, with open hearts, on the basis of Caitanya Caritamrita, to solidify their faith that they are following real Vaishnavas.

In a preaching mission, the leaders must also at times manage the mission and relate to others, even their godbrothers, in a corporate way, but real faith will be nourished by seeing sadhu-sanga based on nama-kirtan and krishna-katha.

Govardhana “Lord Nityananda is very

November 19th, 2000

Govardhana

“Lord Nityananda is very merciful. Taking one’s faith he gives the highest ecstasy.” (Dalalera-gita by Bhaktivinoda Thakur)

We met again for sanga. I’ve never experienced bhajans like this! Is it the mercy of Govardhana or the quality of the sadhu-sanga here? Am I finally getting some taste for Krishna consciousness?

My thoughts during kirtan: I felt completely satisfied and proud to be a Vaishnava, to be a disciple of Srila Prabhupada, to have the association of his sincere servants, to be an aspiring renunciate.

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Govardhana “Now that I have

November 18th, 2000

Govardhana

“Now that I have surrendered all that I posses unto your lotus feet, I throw myself down before Your house. You are the master of the house; kindly consider me your dog.” (Sarvasva Toma Carane; “Everything unto Your Feet” from Saranagati by Bhaktivinoda Thakur)

H.H. Niranjana Swami has arrived to stay in Govardhana for a month. We will meet every evening in his room for sadhu-sanga, centered on gaura-bhajans. In my opinion, no one sings gaura-bhajans like Niranjana Swami. He begins:

‘doyal nitai caitanya’ bole” nac re amar man
nac re amar man, nac re amar man

“Chanting the holy names ?Doyal Nitai Caitanya!??Oh my mind dances! Oh my mind dances! Oh my mind dances!”

Partha-Sarathi Prabhu, Gunagrahi Swami, Jayadvaita Maharaja, everyone becomes deeply absorbed in the timeless world of nama-kirtan. Some clear realizations:

I have been in Govardhana for a month trying to enter the mood of Govardhana, but attachment to Lord Gauranga and imbibing His mood of worship is the easiest path of entrance to Govardhana and the pastimes of Radha and Krishna.

There are followers of Srila Prabhupada with spiritual attainment. The future for sadhu-sanga looks bright. I am eager for their association, birth after birth.

Vrindaban/Govardhana While visiting the temple

November 17th, 2000

Vrindaban/Govardhana

While visiting the temple this morning I again met a few devotees who needed to speak to me. I therefore arrived back in my room an hour after schedule. My class is from Wednesday to Friday, so I will this leave this afternoon to spend my weekend in Govardhana. After lunch, I packed my bags in a rush because my ride would be waiting to leave immediately after my class. In general I saw my day thrown into passion. During the ride to Govardhana, I could sense some anxiety, but when I searched for the cause I really couldn’t find anything substantial. My conclusion:

Much of our anxiety is more related to the mode that we are in than to the actual circumstances of our lives. The symptom of goodness is happiness and the symptom of passion is distress. A lot of mental illness could be cured if people had a sattvic lifestyle.

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