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Vasant Falls Japa Thoughts XII

April 20th, 2002

Vasant Falls

Japa Thoughts XII
While chanting I had a thought about what “ceto darpana marjanam”?that chanting cleanses the heart?means. First I’ll describe my experience and
then my realization.

My experience: My chanting this morning was better than usual. It manifest into a glimpse of reality that I have turned from Krishna, and that my present nature and being?that I’ve so cherished?is actually an anomaly. This caused pain. My focus wasn’t completely clear, but my strong realization was that this pain is a necessary stage in chanting, and without welcoming this pain and feeling of deep remorse for my separation from Krishna, my chanting would not become deeply heartfelt and pure. I also noticed an aspect of my psychology, which I will call undue optimism, resisting that glimpse of reality and trying to jade actuality from the healthy pessimism of warranted pain. I struggled, but prayed for reality, my fallen condition, and that I could pray sincerely for shelter.

My realization: The pure consciousness (citta) of the soul, which is humility and service, has been perpetually conditioned by our deeds and desires which manifests itself in how we view and interact with the world?our particular conditioned psychology. Because this psychology validates our false ideal of the self and allows us to see the world to suit our false nature, we are attached to it. Thus when, by chanting, some aspect of the pure self manifests, our psychology will resist it. We have to identify that, confront it, and purify it by determinedly approaching the holy name for the strength to embrace reality.

TKG: The Final Verdict

March 18th, 2002

Vasant Falls, New York

Tamal Krishna Maharaja was a controversial person. Many loved him deeply and others were less favorable. By nature he was very strong, intelligent, and dominating, but also personable and soft; he had the thunderbolt/rose phenomena of a powerful spiritual personality. In the service of Srila Prabhupada he generally had no qualms about using the force of his character to get his way. It was irresistible and if one found himself on the other side of that force it could be quite unnerving–and only in rare instances was there any use in resisting. At times, however, I also saw him humbly lament to his close friends that this side of his character was a burden to his more internal development.

Tamal Krishna Maharaja was, above all, a practical person and very surrendered to Srila Prabhupada’s mission. He understood that the best way he could serve his spiritual master was to offer everything he had, including his nature, in the service of Srila Prabhupada. He set extremely demanding, seemingly unattainable service objectives, and then, like a powerful general, he commanded his forces to achieve his goals which were inevitably attained. Being in his proximity implied a wllingness to fulfill his objectives, to be driven toward those goals, and to live in his mission–a testing proposition at times for others with seemingly their own mission and needs, and their own world to live in. In that sense Maharaja’s temperament could sometimes appear heavy, even controlling, and often hard to understand or difficult to appreciate in terms of the life of a saint. I thus also, at times, wondered how he would be ultimately be judged by the greater community of devotees.

Although Tamal Krishna Maharaja was the most senior and prominent member of the GBC, he hadn’t been to the GBC meetings in seven years. At the end of Maharaja’s life, he was again brought to Mayapur, into the association of his dear Godbrothers, where once more he could resume his service as the most senior GBC member and respected advisor to its leadership. It is also the time of year when all Gaudiya-Vaishnavas, not just ISKCON, congregate to celebrate the appearance of Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu. His passing was thus perfectly timed and perfectly placed to guarantee the appropriate recognition and glorification of his practically unparalleled service to the mission of Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu, all of which seems to have been obviously arranged by the will of providence.

Whatever individual opinions one might have concerning the legacy of Tamal Krishna Maharaja, it is higher authorities that ultimately weigh one’s life and contributions. Can anyone doubt–by the way Lord Gauranga has orchestrated the passing away of Srila Tamal Krishna and arranged for the consequent overwhelming outpour of appreciation and affection worldwide–that it is Mahaprabhu Himself loudly issuing the final verdict and a clear message:

“Srila Tamal Krishna Maharaja, a great and dedicated servant of Srila Prabhupada has passed from this world. His contribution to My mission is very significant and his life and teachings are to be forever remembered and honored. His life and passing is a message to all: Service to my mission is rewarded!”

New York City Indradyumna Maharaja

March 16th, 2002

New York City

Indradyumna Maharaja turned to me at lunch today and reflected the loss of Tamal Krishna Maharaja, our very dear friend, by saying, “I feel scarred for life.” It’s a new experience for me. I cannot recall ever losing someone who was so much a part of my life since Srila Prabhupada left. The loss is felt deeply and it will be for life.

The Vrindaban Tamal Krishna
Outside of Vrindaban one can only know Krishna’s position as the creator and maintainer. In Vrindaban, His home, His full personality is revealed. One can know Him intimately as a friend, parent, or lover. I knew the Vrindaban Tamal Krishna Maharaja, his personal side. Growing up in ISKCON, however, I first knew him only in terms of his position as Srila Prabhupada’s personal secretary, one of the first zonal acaryas, the most prominent and influential GBC, and an extremely powerful, respected, and feared leader. In the late ’80s, however, Maharaja embarked on a new development in his devotional career–his internal nurturing of spiritual life in Vrindaban. He came there to devote quality time to studying the works of Goswamis and to chant and hear about Krishna. Since Vrindaban was my home, we became very close friends. I got to know and observe his personality, his ability to reach out and exchange very intimately with people, whether it was with his Godbrothers, his disciples, or the many other people he contacted and knew through his outreach preaching. We are missing him dearly for his service as a stalwart general of Srila Prabhupada’s mission, but I suspect that it is this side, what I call the Vrindaban Tamal Krishna, that many devotees are remembering and missing most–a part he cultivated and developed more and more as his devotional life matured, especially in Vrindaban. When I first contacted Satyaraja after Maharaja left, he lamented that this very personal and intimate side of Tamal Krishna Goswami–which Satyaraja felt was especially manifest in the last five years–was not so well known. He feared that only his awe-inspiring power as a leader would be remembered. But Satyaraja was wrong. The torrent of attachment for Maharaja after his passing is certainly as much a reflection of the intimacy he achieved in his relationships as it is the result of the respect earned by his position. In great separation we thus remember the Vrindaban Tamal Krishna.

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The Passing Away of His Holiness Tamal Krishna Goswami

March 15th, 2002

New York City

We are all in shock to lose such a dear friend and well-wisher. I will reserve the next few days of this journal for realizations concerning Tamal Krishna Maharaja. It is 2:30 in the morning. I have just returned from a memorial service today for Maharaja, so I won’t have much time for writing. I will just say a few words and in the days ahead I will try to recall some of my realizations about Maharaja.

The program in honor of Tamal Krishna Maharaja at 26 Second Avenue was life-transforming. Many devotees told me so. It was so packed that a rug was put on the sidewalk and a speaker was placed outside. All I could think about was how pleased Tamal Krishna Maharaja would have been to see the success of the preaching here as the growing congregation of 2nd Avenue, including many newer devotees from New York, have today joined some of his dearest friends like Indradyumna Swami, Dayananda, and Satyaraja to honor him, and by doing so, honor the principle of service to Srila Prabhupada’s mission.

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Vrindaban Cold winds suddenly blow

February 12th, 2002

Vrindaban

Cold winds suddenly blow into Vrindaban from the North, heavy fog sets in, and the sun hides until late afternoon. The weather has turned completely miserable. I am suffering more now because of it than I did when the same weather seasonably hit us for a long stretch in late December. Why? Because when the first balm of warm weather visited us after the long winter, I thought, “Ahh, how nice. Now I can enjoy!” Until we rise above duality our attachments are also
the cause of our suffering.

CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! Suddenly, by decree of the college who owns the 30-acre field next to the japa-kutir, our sweet forest is being senselessly decimated. Damn Kali-yuga and its effect on the dhama?destroying our spiritually uplifting views, cluttering the hallowed ground with ugly, multicolored, non-decomposable
plastic bags, and shoving a hodgepodge of grossly amplified and distorted sounds down our ears. Still, real Vrindaban shines through the clouds of maya for one who takes shelter of the holy name. A fortnight here still guarantees liberation. And still, I count my blessings to be here.

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Vrindaban Bhagavatam Meditation IV The

February 11th, 2002

Vrindaban

Bhagavatam Meditation IV
The gopis are chaste village cowherd girls. Thus they can never openly express their love for their paramour, Sri Krishna. In fact, the traditional mores are so strict that in a proper family, even the mere statement of romantic love between a husband and wife is reserved for a special section of the house, off limits to others?even the children. Such love is never expressed publicly. But what are the gopis to do? Krishna is leaving Vrindaban and no one is protesting. The gopis ponder their dilemma. If they speak, they will lose their reputation and such social condemnation will be like death. But if they don’t, the separation from Krishna itself will be worse than death. “O Govinda! O Kesava! O Madhava! Don’t leave us!” they shout, oblivious to society, friendship, and familial love.

The gopis reasoning is pure and simple: “The pain of separation from Krishna is worse than the pain of being socially ostracized, losing ones reputation, or even death, so we must try anything to retain His association no matter how dire the consequence.”

As practitioners, we should act in devotional service according to our realization without superficially renouncing what we need in Krishna’s service. However, to achieve perfection, our love for Krishna has to become far greater than anything else?even family, social acceptance, or reputation. We are not required to renounce these things for Krishna’s service, but the love of those who hanker for the highest devotion is often tested. Tests help gauge our position and push us to new heights in realization, so it is not unheard of for devotees to face difficult tests, especially for those who yearn for the highest excellence of love. And certainly in the penultimate stage of perfection, where our devotion has carried us to birth in Krishna’s pastimes in Gokula Vrindaban but not yet to His direct association, when the sound of Krishna’s flute calls us for that transcendent perfection, we will have to shun society, friendship, and familial love. A sincere devotee questions his heart:”How much am I anchored by my attachments? Am I moving toward the goal?

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Vrindaban Bhagavatam Meditations III “If

February 10th, 2002

Vrindaban

Bhagavatam Meditations III
“If Krishna leaves,” the gopis accuse, “He will be responsible for making us blind, because the only purpose of these eyes is to see Him.”

Throughout the Bhagavatam we see this theme. If the senses are not used for serving God, they are useless?even harmful.

What is the purpose of my eyes? I cannot see Krishna, but my world is not blind or vacant in His absence. Rather, I am happy to see so many sights for my own selfish pleasure. How far I am from perfection.

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Vrindaban Bhagavatam Meditations II Ironically,

February 9th, 2002

Vrindaban

Bhagavatam Meditations II
Ironically, just as the devotees on tour were leaving Vrindaban, I started lecturing on Akrura’s arrival in Vrindaban. The mood of Akrura entering Vrindaban outlines the proper consciousness of entering the dhama: an anticipation of meeting Krishna, a feeling of unworthiness to do so, and finally, an appreciation
of the Lord’s causeless mercy in allowing one to enter.

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Vrindaban Bhagavatam Meditations I Vasant

February 8th, 2002

Vrindaban

Bhagavatam Meditations I
Vasant Pancami, the first day of spring in Vrindaban, is at the end of February, but the weather has already warmed up. Vrindaban in the spring creates a sublime atmosphere for speaking the Bhagavat. A small but serious audience has gathered for class as I sit on the large porch outside my room in view of a small lush forest to my right. I close my eyes and bask in the warmth of the direct sun, a day that is thankfully also totally free from the usual periodic intrusion of grossly over-amplified speakers. Mother Kaulini humbly requests to sit on the stoop of the Veranda during class, directly facing the small wooded area. She says she likes the sight of the birds and the view of the brilliant white pinnacle of Srila Prabhupada’s samadhi across the field. Our topic is the Tenth Canto of Srimad-Bhagavatam, a subject full of rasa. Rasa is perfectly sweet and intense affection for Sri Krishna. As pure love requires the proper ambiance to mellow, the Lord’s internal potency eternally manifests the charming forest of Vrindaban to nourish Krishna’s loving exchanges with His eternal associates. How can the sentiments of love fully mature in anything but the most delightful setting? That same ground where the Supreme Personality of Godhead grazed His cows is still manifest today to empower His devotees to chant and hear His glories. By the potency and mercy of this ideal place on this ideal day I can thus speak something about the heart-wrenching sentiments of the residents of Vrindaban as Krishna mounts Akrura’s chariot to leave for Mathura. We become engrossed in this wonderful pastime expressing the unparalleled love of the Lord’s topmost devotees; we enjoy this inspiring spring-like day.

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Vrindaban Writing is based on

February 7th, 2002

Vrindaban

Writing is based on inspiration. I haven’t felt like there was much to write about in the last week. It’s like having somewhat of a post-tour blues?not a depression, but a writing slump. The tour was quite active, but my regular life here is more retired and studious. It takes time to get meditative and thoughtful in transition from different modes of living. I’ll write everyday anyway. Hopefully, that will energize my more inspired and thoughtful side.

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