Dhanurdhara Swami March 3rd, 2001
New Jersey
Sick in the morning. I fast and don’t drink anything so I might have a chance to attend the program. I start the program lying on my side talking casually about my stay in the hospital. More people come and I sit up and absorb myself in kirtan. I’m basically focused on the chanting as I have so little energy for much else. I hardly remember what I spoke on, other than it was something from my journals and it was sincerely appreciated.
A good turnout?nearly fifty people. There is a sense of self-satisfaction as it is many of the people I have been helping in Krishna consciousness for years and I?ve seen how they have matured so nicely. Many of them have families now and the children are fairly Krishna conscious.
An observation: Although there used to be natural factions and cliques among the devotees, today everyone seems as one family with cordial and loving relations. It reminds me of the saying, ?They have enough religion to hate other religion, but not enough to love them.? It seems the devotees have matured and now have enough religion to transcend petty factionalism and extend themselves to everyone.
Dhanurdhara Swami March 2nd, 2001
New Jersey
Down again for the day, but I feel determined to attend the program tomorrow.
Some inspiration from a New York Times I found lying around the house here:
?In his first service at St. Patrick’s Cathedral since returning from Rome, Edward M. Egan yesterday remembered the moments in the St Peters basilica just before Pope John Paul elevated him to cardinal.
?While the other 43 cardinal-designates were being led in a prayer on February 21, Cardinal Egan said, he ?didn’t listen.?
?I was reciting a little prayer of my own,? he said. ?I learned it in a darkened room in the Bronx,? from an elderly Franciscan priest in the 1970’s.
?Lord, please take over,? he said yesterday, repeating the prayer. ?Make my every word only what you would say. My every act only what you would do. Do not let me get in the way. I’m yours, totally yours.??
Dhanurdhara Swami March 1st, 2001
New Jersey
More of the same?sickness and sleep. I am taken aback when my mother comments, ?I’m surprised to see you so sick and grumpy. I consider you like a God, one who is above all this.? I have noticed over the years how by visiting her, my mother’s faith in spirituality?and even Krishna?has gradually increased and often she says things that surprise me. Anyway, I think if I was born blind, she would have named me Padma-locan?lotus-eyed one.
Dhanurdhara Swami February 28th, 2001
New Jersey
I’m recovering at my mother’s house, which for now provides the seclusion and facilities I need for recovery. The surgery feels much better, but I think the drugs I took in the hospital have substantially weakened me. I hardly remember ever having taken even an aspirin in the last thirty years, but all day today there is fever, weakness, and a stomach virus.
Dhanurdhara Swami February 27th, 2001
Bhaktivedanta Hospital/New York/New Jersey
A tough morning for the body, but some nice thoughts for the mind. Spontaneous devotional service means to aspire for the mood of the brijabasi. Although Srila Prabhupada has not revealed his eternal identity, I do know it in a sense. I know something of his qualities and his consciousness, which certainly must reflect his eternal mood of service in Vrindaban. By meditating on and aspiring for that, and contemplating how it’s connected with Vrindaban, it’s a preliminary meditation on following the mood of the brijabasis.
I leave early in the morning for the 7am flight to the U.S., but I’m still not well. The doctor said that full recovery could take a month. A tough flight back, but it ould have been much worse. Krishna protected me.
Dhanurdhara Swami February 26th, 2001
Bhaktivedanta Hospital – Bombay
More sannyasis are stopping in for a pit stop. Prahladananda Swami and Bhakti Caitanya Swami arrive today for some medical care. Now that I no longer going to Mayapur at the time of the GBC meetings, there are certain Godbrothers that I rarely see. We are all past fifty and our bodies are naturally wearing down so now the hospital is probably the most likely place I will see them. Prahladananda Swami and Bhakti Caitanya Maharaja are both very much involved with and staunchly loyal to the institutional side of ISKCON. By fate, I am much different. In some ways we are not likeminded, but they are real gentlemen, I respect them as saints, and admire their steady unmotivated service. I enjoy their association.
Dhanurdhara Swami February 25th, 2001
Bhaktivedanta Hospital – Bombay
I met Mother Nartaki, my Godsister and a professional nurse who just returned from the earthquake-afflicted area of Gujarat. She noted how pious people take shelter of God in distress. As their harinam party went from village to village, the people enthusiastically welcomed the devotees. At one village one family, including a mother with an injured child in her arms, came running to their door to respectfully greet the kirtan party. Nartaki Mataji looked up in appreciation at these pious and perseverant people, but cried when she noticed that the frame of their front door was the only thing still standing in their home. She cried for their suffering, cried for their stoicism, and cried for their simple piety and devotion.
She opined that such people would do much better than us at the time of death. They already struggle and work hard living a simple village farm life and are already so tolerant of bodily inconvenience and difficulty.
Giriraja, the orthopedic surgeon, also confirmed this. He has been operating on many of the villagers from Gujarat who have been rushed to the Bhaktivedanta Hospital. He described that because of their rigorous and natural life there are so much stronger than the people form the city. As proof of this, he described how after operating on some of the Gujarati earthquake victims, their bones would heal twice as fast as people with similar conditions from Bombay.
Dhanurdhara Swami February 24th, 2001
February 24, 2001
Bhaktivedanta Hospital – Bombay
In the last week I couldn’t concentrate and enjoy Krishna consciousness because of my discomfort and illness. My condition wasn’t that bad. Isn’t it time that I started transcending the bodily concept of life? What will I do at death? The happiness of Krishna consciousness is bhakti, or love?a condition of the heart. Why should it be so hampered by the condition of my body? Perhaps I am equating spiritual consciousness with mundane comforts and peacefulness and thus becoming discouraged in spiritual life by the uneasiness of illness.
Dhanurdhara Swami February 23rd, 2001
Bhaktivedanta Hospital – Bombay
A phone call comes and an argument of sorts ensues. It?s not a heated argument; in fact, the call is from a respectful person seeking advice. For me to help him, however, he needs to recognize some of the mistakes he has made. He is resistant and it leads to a long and absorbing discussion. After the call, I realized that during the call I had completely forgot the discomfort of my body.
It’s so clear that the identification with the body is just a mental conception. Why was I so absorbed in my body for the last few days? Why didn’t I transcend it more for kirtan and krishna-katha, like I did for a simple phone discussion? I lament.
Dhanurdhara Swami February 22nd, 2001
Bhaktivedanta Hospital – Bombay
There are some Vaishnavas from India in the next room. They have been here for some time, but I was too ill to pay much attention to them. I’m feeling a bit better today and I start to take more notice. They are obviously not new converts to Vaishnavism. Converts may adopt the accouterments of the tradition, but still, the culture of one’s upbringing, in the form of certain behavior, mannerisms, speech, and even one’s mode of Vaishnava dress?such as colored kurtas and designer bead bags?often expose the adopted nature of one’s faith. I am not commenting on the status of devotion of those converted to Vaishnavism, because bhakti is independent, and the depth of commitment required to buck the religion of one’s birth often makes one very staunch in his practices. However, my point is that the dress, mannerisms, and expressions of my humble neighbors here in the hospital indicate the inborn nature of their faith and it naturally attracts me.
I made a point to speak to them today and was pleasantly surprised to find out they were not only Vaishnavas, but brijabasis from Varsana. They reside at the ashram at the base of mor kutir, where our kirtan party visited less than a month ago, only to be overwhelmed by the simplicity and purity of the local residents. Even more surprising was that they were the son and daughter of Babulal Ramji?the revered saint whose disappearance festival we visited that day by fate!
I spend some time with them and I am instinctively drawn to the simple devotion and character. They are leaving today. I lament that I didn’t get more of their association.