Waves of Devotion

Dhanurdhara Swami January 24th, 2022

Initially, I was thinking to write about Covid fatigue. You get the idea—long restriction, then a little freedom, then restriction, again and again. One can become tired of the whole thing. But the more I thought about it, it seemed Covid fatigue was just a microcosm for life in general, a kind of life fatigue. But there seems to be a purpose to it. Let me share something about my own recent fatigue. Hopefully, it will make my point clearer.

 

I wrote last week about how when I came here to an Ayurvedic clinic for a panca karma detox I was unexpectedly quarantined for Covid. My computer also had problems, so I couldn’t write. I was basically stuck in a room for ten days with limited sevā, reduced communication, and due to increased fatigue not even the best mental focus to chant more. Initially, I wasn’t so happy about that. That’s natural when one is stripped of what Śrīla Prabhupāda called “one’s material protective agents”—the temporary powers and possessions that give us the false sense that we are independent controllers. Quickly, however, some clarity came. It was obvious. I just needed to be “crushed” again. To the extent that you think you’re the controller, you can never see who is. I remember sitting helplessly on my porch outside my cabin, looking at the forest, meditating on our philosophy, and suddenly “seeing Krishna”. His care and protection, which is always there, became pronounced. Only when we shed the ahaṅkāra, the sense of being the doer or controller, will Krishna’s all-pervading presence and shelter be uncovered and our natural loving responsiveness (bhakti) to that presence of divine care be awakened. It is no wonder why we sometimes must be “crushed”.

 

Back to Covid fatigue. Barring the fact that everyone wants and should have their needs met, and when they are not it is disturbing, shouldn’t we also see this fatigue as part of God’s plan to give Himself to us by detaching us from the sense of ahaṅkāra that covers our connection to the Divine? Isn’t not being the controller part of what we are tired about? Isn’t this all part of God’s plan to put a brake on our excessive enthrallment with a material civilization that is moving at a breakneck speed to enslave us in the illusion that we are independent of God? Can we not see fatigue as part of a higher plan to help us become humble and conquer death, the illusion of non-existence? I was crushed, tired of it all, saw God, and devotion welled in the heart. I pray to always embrace the heart and wisdom of Queen Kunti:

 

“I wish that all those calamities would happen again and again so that we could see You again and again, for seeing You means that we will no longer see repeated births and deaths.” (Bhag. 1.8.25)

 

 

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