Dhanurdhara Swami April 20th, 2002
Japa Thoughts XII
While chanting I had a thought about what “ceto darpana marjanam”?that chanting cleanses the heart?means. First I’ll describe my experience and
then my realization.
My experience: My chanting this morning was better than usual. It manifest into a glimpse of reality that I have turned from Krishna, and that my present nature and being?that I’ve so cherished?is actually an anomaly. This caused pain. My focus wasn’t completely clear, but my strong realization was that this pain is a necessary stage in chanting, and without welcoming this pain and feeling of deep remorse for my separation from Krishna, my chanting would not become deeply heartfelt and pure. I also noticed an aspect of my psychology, which I will call undue optimism, resisting that glimpse of reality and trying to jade actuality from the healthy pessimism of warranted pain. I struggled, but prayed for reality, my fallen condition, and that I could pray sincerely for shelter.
My realization: The pure consciousness (citta) of the soul, which is humility and service, has been perpetually conditioned by our deeds and desires which manifests itself in how we view and interact with the world?our particular conditioned psychology. Because this psychology validates our false ideal of the self and allows us to see the world to suit our false nature, we are attached to it. Thus when, by chanting, some aspect of the pure self manifests, our psychology will resist it. We have to identify that, confront it, and purify it by determinedly approaching the holy name for the strength to embrace reality.